it was like his penis was on wheels.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
