Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
