i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
