you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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