Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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