This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
