you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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