I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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