I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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