I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
