We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
