just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
