i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
