so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
