We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
