Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
