It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
