I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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