She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
