Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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