I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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