i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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