I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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