Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
