Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
