I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
