I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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