Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
