At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
