Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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