I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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