Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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