I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
