After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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