I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
