I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
