U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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