i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
