I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
