I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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