i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
