I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
