Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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