Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
