so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
