I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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