hotel room ftw
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
