Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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