You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
