Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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