my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
